Touching your wife after handling spices and peppers.

Well, not intercourse, but oral: never go down on a girl who feels insecure about her pubes, and then, as a joke, hack like you’ve inhaled a hair.

Trying kinky things without first discussing them with your partner.

Trying to put it in my butt without any warning.

Blowing forcefully into orifice.

Small talk. Please don’t ask me what the weather is like right now.

Calling out your own name and slapping your own ass.

Lying about being on birth control then refusing and lying about getting plan b when he freaks out.

From my experience, talking about something unrelated, even if you think it would be REALLY funny.

Them turning on Game of Thrones to use as background noise. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna keep looking at the television especially if I keep hearing moans, battle scenes and climactic music lol.

Believing someone you don’t really know or trust when they say, “I can’t get pregnant.

Back when I was younger I met this girl who was kind of kinky. All prior sexual endeavors were fairly vanilla. One night she busts out the anal beads and has me pop them in while I’m doing her from behind. After a while, she gets close to cumming and asks me to pull them out. I’m like “ok!” and yank on them like I’m pull starting a lawn mower. The sound of an asshole slamming shut 10 times in less than a second is truly incredible. It sounded like someone stepping on bubble wrap. She did not appreciate this. That was definitely a no-no.

Calling your wife by your ex-wife’s name. Let me tell you that does not end on a happy note.

First-hand experience; doing it on the beach. There is no way sand isn’t gonna… it just isn’t.

Getting off without ever making sure that your lover also got off. Doesn’t matter who comes first or last.. but you all come (I mean unless they were all “Nah I’m done let’s eat”)

Joking about pregnancy. I have a now ex that texted me a picture of a positive pregnancy test at 3am. Then she got mad because I called her immediately asking about it. She got mad because I needed to chill and it was just a joke.

Don’t insult anyone’s genitals during sex. Women don’t need to hear that their unshaved vulva is ugly and men don’t need to hear that their uncut penis is a turn-off.

Shouting out another dudes name. Especially if it’s “LEEROOYY JEENKIINNSS!!” and she doesn’t understand the reference.